It’s 27th December and since writing my mission statement a few days ago I’ve been trying to keep it in the front of my mind.
The volunteering side is going well, found a project I’m really interested in and I’ve got the application form, I’ve filled out the hard bits now and I’m going to finish it when I’m back at work and post it off before the first week in January.
In terms of getting over C it’s not so great… I had a good Christmas Day with the family and felt so much more chilled not having to worry about anyone except myself. My first single Christmas in five years. I text Barry and her sister and mate to say Merry Christmas – got a nice reply from all three. I hate that everyone who loves C hates Lee but it doesn’t seem to sink in that this is a massive red flag..or more accurately, it does but she chooses to ignore it anyway. Barry made me feel much better about things in a stupid way, I think C has cut ties with him too and whilst I know that is a terrible thing for her to do, at least in a way I know that its not so much me that was toxic, it re-enforces that it is Lee and their lack of trust in each other. I hope she remembers we are all here for her when it finally comes to an end.
I went on a date on Christmas Eve with R. I feel bad because what it actually taught me is how much I’m not over Caz and it was a bit of a mirror to how I am sometimes in a not very nice way. She came over last night (Boxing Day) and we ended up sleeping together and she stayed over. I felt really mean as she was trying to moon over me and kissing my neck, stroking my skin etc and thats how I usually am but I felt an enormous bout of anxiety and suffocatedness. It was a bit of an eye-opening moment if I’m honest.
She is a very sweet girl and I find a lot about her attractive but I’m not sure where its going as of yet. I feel like I’ve got a lot of concerns already because she is so young and so lovely and sweet; I don’t want to hurt her like people have hurt me in the past..all of a sudden I feel very 25 and like I’ve finally accumulated some baggage.. turns out its not fun and its not always that easy to block out – who’d have thought it hey?!
Off to Holland for New Year now with the family and my trusty plus one Kat; I was dreading it but I’m thinking it may now actually be good fun!