Last night I had a second date with someone who turned out to be the mirror of myself about five or six years ago :S
She was 22 so there’s only three years age difference, but it was probably like me about 19 or 20 as it turns out she had only had one previous relationship.
An absolutely lovely girl, she has really cheered up my Christmas; we’ve been texting for a few weeks and other than the horror that she lives in the same place as my parents all else is cool. However, last night we ended up sleeping together and she was totally lovely – stroking my cheek, nibbling my neck, loving looks etc and I couldn’t ignore the feeling of suffocation and mild-anxiety it was bringing on.
Suddenly it was a moment of clarity! I am usually the one in this role and it was like looking back at myself and I didn’t like what I was seeing.
I think when you are emotionally younger you tend to get over-whelmed by making a connection with somebody new. I mean, we definitely did connect but to me I’ve had a fair few of those connections over the past year..but perhaps where I rushed in with N six years ago was precisely because I saw a connection – felt awe-inspired and took whatever it needed to give her no excuse not to love me too.
This moment of clarity has kind of hindered things now. I know its not a good idea to see her again but breaking it off will be cruel..kinder in the long-run but not so nice.
I think I’m going to try and keep it chilled whilst I’m away and remain non-commital and then in the New Year have a serious chat. We are at different places in life and whilst I like her I can see now it won’t be enough to carry it through long-term and I value the experience we had together over Christmas but think she has more experience to gain and I need to learn more about myself by seeing different people.