Daily Prompt: Moment of Clarity

Daily Prompt: Moment of Clarity.

Last night I had a second date with someone who turned out to be the mirror of myself about five or six years ago :S

She was 22 so there’s only three years age difference, but it was probably like me about 19 or 20 as it turns out she had only had one previous relationship.

An absolutely lovely girl, she has really cheered up my Christmas; we’ve been texting for a few weeks and other than the horror that she lives in the same place as my parents all else is cool. However, last night we ended up sleeping together and she was totally lovely – stroking my cheek, nibbling my neck, loving looks etc and I couldn’t ignore the feeling of suffocation and mild-anxiety it was bringing on.

Suddenly it was a moment of clarity! I am usually the one in this role and it was like looking back at myself and I didn’t like what I was seeing.

I think when you are emotionally younger you tend to get over-whelmed by making a connection with somebody new. I mean, we definitely did connect but to me I’ve had a fair few of those connections over the past year..but perhaps where I rushed in with N six years ago was precisely because I saw a connection – felt awe-inspired and took whatever it needed to give her no excuse not to love me too.

This moment of clarity has kind of hindered things now. I know its not a good idea to see her again but breaking it off will be cruel..kinder in the long-run but not so nice.

I think I’m going to try and keep it chilled whilst I’m away and remain non-commital and then in the New Year have a serious chat. We are at different places in life and whilst I like her I can see now it won’t be enough to carry it through long-term and I value the experience we had together over Christmas but think she has more experience to gain and I need to learn more about myself by seeing different people.

 

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Oops I did it again..

It’s 27th December and  since writing my mission statement a few days ago I’ve been trying to keep it in the front of my mind.

The volunteering side is going well, found a project I’m really interested in and I’ve got the application form, I’ve filled out the hard bits now and I’m going to finish it when I’m back at work and post it off before the first week in January.

 

In terms of getting over C it’s not so great… I had a good Christmas Day with the family and felt so much more chilled not having to worry about anyone except myself. My first single Christmas in five years. I text Barry and her sister and mate to say Merry Christmas – got a nice reply from all three. I hate that everyone who loves C hates Lee but it doesn’t seem to sink in that this is a massive red flag..or more accurately, it does but she chooses to ignore it anyway. Barry made me feel much better about things in a stupid way, I think C has cut ties with him too and whilst I know that is a terrible thing for her to do, at least in a way I know that its not so much me that was toxic, it re-enforces that it is Lee and their lack of trust in each other. I hope she remembers we are all here for her when it finally comes to an end.

I went on a date on Christmas Eve with R. I feel bad because what it actually taught me is how much I’m not over Caz and it was a bit of a mirror to how I am sometimes in a not very nice way. She came over last night (Boxing Day) and we ended up sleeping together and she stayed over. I felt really mean as she was trying to moon over me and kissing my neck, stroking my skin etc and thats how I usually am but I felt an enormous bout of anxiety and suffocatedness. It was a bit of an eye-opening moment if I’m honest.

She is a very sweet girl and I find a lot about her attractive but I’m not sure where its going as of yet. I feel like I’ve got a lot of concerns already because she is so young and so lovely and sweet; I don’t want to hurt her like people have hurt me in the past..all of a sudden I feel very 25 and like I’ve finally accumulated some baggage.. turns out its not fun and its not always that easy to block out – who’d have thought it hey?!

Off to Holland for New Year now with the family and my trusty plus one Kat; I was dreading it but I’m thinking it may now actually be good fun!

 

 

Mission Statement

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I’ve always been put off keeping a diary because I wish I started it years earlier. Still, 2013 has been the worst year of my life so I’m hoping a 2014 journal will inspire me to do the things that are important to me. Long-term and short-term goals.

It’s a massive cliché starting a diary for the New Year but I’m going to make it my resolution to keep it up. To fill it with everything in the hope that I can find patterns to help to improve my life. Its mainly first-world problems so hopefully this will help me to get a grip and achieve at least one or two of my goals.

Long-term

–          Find a lasting relationship or get to the place where I can

–          Start making savings

–          Reduce weed smoking

Year

–          Change my hair

–          Learn more about co-dependency, how it works and what triggers me

–          Volunteer work at least once

–          Move on from C and N